


Falling apart

by Hellda



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Awkward Romance, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 16:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10517433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellda/pseuds/Hellda
Summary: "Everything is falling apart.""But not you," Ren whispered.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I wrote about this pairing and the first time I wrote in English (I'm not a native). Sorry in advance if anything is wrong, I'm working on it.
> 
> And I also need a beta.

Hux was tired, exhausted even: his schedule polished by years of perfecting was failing him after all this mess the First Order found itself in. His head hurt so much he just had to go to sleep before his shift ended. He wasn't needed on the bridge anymore, so he slipped away, rubbing his temples forcibly, willing the pain to go away.

He started undoing the buttons on his uniform before he got to his quarters — the thing he would have found outrageous mere months ago when everything was going according to the plan. Now almost nothing was.

Another surprise (oh, how he hated surprises these days!) was waiting for him already in his room. A dark robed figure was hovering in the dim-lit corner of his living room, silent and for whatever reason standing still. Ren. His head in that monstrous helmet was lowered, as if he was really interested in something on the floor. When Hus went in, though, his head snapped up, helmet looking straight at him.

"What are you doing here for... Oh, no, don't answer that, just go away," Hux's hand automatically flew up to cover his open neck.

"Hux, I..." Ren suddenly stopped talking, and Hux swore he could hear how the knight winced at the sound of his own voice, altered by the helmet. Why was he wearing that thing again?

He waved dismissively, not caring anymore, the pain and the tiredness occupying his mind fully now, and walked past Ren, still standing quite awkwardly in the corner. If the knight was here to cause harm there was no stopping him, so why even bother.

He dropped his uniform jacket on the floor and was fighting with the clasps on his boots when he heard the hiss of the helmet being taken off and turned his head to watch.

Ren was not in a good state, that was certain. Hux has never seen him like that — almost shaking, looking almost... hurt. Hux frowned when he saw the scar, he couldn't help himself, the sight of it making him uneasy, and Ren flinched violently and lowered his head, covering his face behind his hair.

Hux sighed at the unavoidable and awkward conversation that was surely ahead of him now, finally got rid of his boots and slowly walked closer, feeling even shorter barefoot.

He hadn't been this close to Ren for weeks, he almost forgot how physically powerful his presence was. But now it was subdued, barely noticeable, and that didn't feel right.

"Ren?" he asked without meaning to and then had to quickly surge forward to keep the knight steady as he swayed and almost lost his balance. "What's going on?"

"I thought you didn't want to know," his voice was breathier than usual, and that made Hux feel weird. Ren even attempted a smile but failed, as it turned into a pained grimace.

"Don't be so fucking stubborn!" Hux was even more short-tempered now when the tiredness ate up at him, but Ren's reaction was too inadequate: the knight flinched and tried to move away. Hux didn't let go, so he moved with him, conscious of how stupid they must look. "Well, what is it? Were you wounded?"

He remembered now how Ren preferred to come to him when he had been hurt or injured, his guard lowered and the look in his eyes weary and honest. They were closest those days, both with trust issues, of course, but still finding comfort in each other's strength. Sure, they slept together a couple of times, when the physical need they, or at least Hux, he wasn't sure about Ren, felt became urgent. But all that was before... that thing that happened. Now it was all about duty and correcting their mistakes. 

Ren shook his head, but stayed silent, his expression purposefully blank.

"Come on," Hux tugged at his elbow, gesturing towards the sofa. When Ren lowered himself carefully — too carefully! — on the soft duvet, Hux who was wondering if maybe he should pour himself a drink, forgot about it altogether and sat close, closer than strictly necessary. There was an uneasy feeling in his stomach. "Talk to me," he spoke softly.

"I don't know how you do it," came an unexpected answer.

"Do what?" he was not in a mood to solve puzzles, so it turned out harsher than he meant it to. 

"Keep it together," Ren's hands were definitely shaking now, slight tremors visible through his black gloves. Hux without time to think about it took one of them and pulled the glove off. Ren flushed bright red and tried to look away. Hux was suddenly bombarded by the memories of Ren getting embarrassed and shy in his bed, awkward and nervous, and felt something like nostalgia at that thought.

"I don't, can't you see?" he sighed and took the other glove off. There were no injuries as far as he could see, but the slight tremor didn't go away, if anything, it even strengthened. "Everything is falling apart."

"But not you," Ren whispered and ran his hand through his hair. His eyes were almost closed, it felt like he was falling asleep right then and there on the spot. Hux suspected that wasn't very far from the truth. He carefully opened the clasps on Ren's outer robe and helped him out of it. Instead of leaning back against the sofa Ren moved sideways and lowered his head on Hux's knees. He felt heavy and warm and solid in the way that nothing else had been for a very long time, and Hux sighed with content and closed his eyes, too. They both were asleep in mere seconds.

***

Hux woke up disoriented, feeling worse than he had had before, his neck killing him and the headache returning immediately. He groaned and soon felt movement on his lap. Ren obviously has also just woken up, if his half-hooded eyes and relaxed face were any indication.

"How long..?" Hux had to clear his voice then, because he sounded like he had the most awful cold. 

"About an hour, maybe?" Ren answered helpfully and tried to sit up. The pain on his face was so evident, although he didn't make a sound, that Hux immediately stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Let's get you to a proper bed, shall we?" he murmured more to himself and stood up, feeling a little dizzy.

"I don't think..."

"It's okay," he stopped whatever nonsense Ren was trying to say and bent to take the knight's heavy boots off. Ren looked surprised for a moment, but then surrendered with a sigh and closed his eyes again.

"Should I bring a medcase?" Hux asked casually.

"Yes," Ren answered quietly, as if he didn't want to admit his weakness. Knowing him, Hux wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

"Painkillers?"

"No, just... bandages?" Ren was looking at him strangely. Hux decided to ignore it.

"Are you bleeding on my couch?" he demanded, not mentioning the fact, what that suspicion just did to his insides.

"Maybe? I... I haven't looked yet," Ren admitted.

"If you are, I'll hold you responsible," masking his worry was easy, but the words were all wrong, he got that as soon as they left his mouth. Ren lowered his gaze and shifted awkwardly.

"I'm sorry," this stopped Hux in his tracks. Ren never apologized, it was one of his many annoying traits. Hux returned to the sofa and knelt in front of it.

"Kylo," this got him the attention, "What happened?"

He knew, of course, about the 'training' thing and Snoke. But Ren was very much himself when Hux saw him a week ago.

"I am not worthy and I was punished for it," it was as Hux feared. Stupid boy.

"Did he beat you?"

"No," Hux didn't have time to feel relieved when Ren continued as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "He ordered me to hurt myself."

"What?!" Hux's voice raised by itself. He stood up abruptly and walked fast to the cabinet with bandages and medicine. "Get your clothes off, Ren," he paused and added, "If you can't, I'll help."

He heard the sound of material being pulled off, so he kept gathering things he needed, but when he turned around he saw the knight pulling violently at his robes stuck to his back.

"Stop that!" his general-voice switched on, and that helped, because Ren stopped immediately, but looked scared for a second, which Hux really didn't like.

He helped Ren efficiently and quickly, ripping away the material carefully, but mercilessly, and the knight winced and hissed and made little pained noises. When Hux was finished, he saw a plethora of angry-looking bruises and gushes across Ren's back, disappearing under his pants. 

"Are there more?" he demanded.

Ren, who was lying on his side not facing Hux, nodded and started to unclasp his trousers. Hux's heart sank a little, but he helped Ren get rid of the rest of his clothes just to see that all his lower back and buttocks were also covered in bruises.

"Was it a whip?" Hux asked, busying himself with bacta and bandages. Ren nodded, and Hux groaned angrily, he just couldn't help it. The knight startled and tried to curl in on himself.

"Oh, Ren, I'm not angry with you," it was stupid saying it out loud, but it seemed to help, because Ren stopped shying away from his touch and let him finish applying bacta to the bruises. When he was finished, he unconsciously put his hand on Ren's head, petting lightly. "Do you want to stay here?"

"No, I... I would prefer the bed."

"Very well," Hux sighed, but stood up and helped Ren to his bedroom, almost crumbling under his weight, but managing somehow to almost carry him. He did that once already, the images of smoke and snow filling his mind.

Ren lay down on his stomach completely naked, it was as if he completely forgot how self-conscious he was about his body in front of Hux earlier in their relationship. Maybe he was in too much pain. Or maybe he didn't care anymore. That was not a pleasant thought.

Hux, delaying the inevitable, cleaned up, threw away ruined bandages, put away medicine and folded his own clothes as well as Ren's. He was entertaining the thought of working a little when he heard his name from the bedroom. Ren managed to cover himself and now was looking inquiringly at Hux. The expression in his eyes was open and gentle.

"Hux," he said, "Come to bed with me. Please."

It was the "please" that did it, Hux giving up and sliding under the covers with Ren. It was strange lying in bed with him doing nothing sexual or even not talking. Hux remembered times when they talked a lot, figuring each other out, tentatively and slowly learning not to antagonize one another. Now everything was different. Darker and more desperate.

"We need to do something about it," he whispered more to himself.

"We?"

"Yes, Ren, we. This place is becoming increasingly unbearable. For me and for you alike."

He looked at Ren then and saw a shadow of a smile on his lips. Ren looked alive now in his bed, but what about tomorrow? What if he wouldn't be? "What if's" filled his mind with threats and warnings, and he shifted restlessly. He suddenly felt Ren moving closer, and turned his head in time to feel warm breath on his face. Ren was almost painfully near, too near for Hux's comfort, but in that moment he didn't care.

"Kiss me?" Ren asked, eyes unsure. "I know we haven't been... but I want to..."

Hux didn't let him finish, kissing him gently, hand in his unruly hair.

"We'll figure something out," he promised, sounding more sure than he felt.

"I know we will," Ren's tired smile was a beautiful and welcome sight. "Now let's sleep."


End file.
